Saturday, February 22, 2014

sacred scared

this is from my favorite blog - momastery. individuals were asked about their deepest fear - the thing we hide because we think that if others knew about it, they wouldn't love us anymore. this wasn't written by me. but. this is so true of me that to read it makes my throat close up and tears to prick my eyes. this is my sacred scared. "I want to be enough. Wow. Just tapping out those five little words makes my throat ache and my eyes burn with tears. I want to be enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Sexy enough. Good enough. Tough enough. Clever enough. Worthy enough. It is this deep ­seated desire to know that I’m enough which drives virtually all of my destructive behavior. When I was young, the need to be enough moved me to starve myself, drug myself, give myself away too freely. But even still, even today – grown and married and mothering ­I obsess over food and facial hair and these teeny tiny boobs, and I wonder if my husband really loves me, or if he every really has. Could I ever be enough for him? Could I ever be enough for anyone? I am convinced the answer is no, but I work pretty hard at pretending otherwise. “I’m confident, you guys! I’m cute! I am hilarious!” I shout, as I tap dance on the world’s stage, ”Look at me! Look how I twirl! Look how I make jokes! Look how thin I am! Do you see it? Do you see me?!” It’s funny, isn’t it? The proverbial “God shaped hole” in my heart is also shaped just like a little girl who’s trying too hard. With her loose pigtails and dirty fingernails, and big eyes watching, waiting, longing for someone to say, “You, baby girl, you are enough.” But for all my silly trying, do you know what I hear most often from the folks I’m putting on this stupid show for? “Oh, Jamie,” they laugh, unknowing, “you are just too much.” - See more at:

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