this

irritable

facebook is annoying me. how many shit-sucking times do i have to see links to "12 ways to tie a scarf"? when did everyone i know become horrible?

procrastination

nothing like still working on gifts on the eve of the big day... ah, well. they're cute anyway. kids' drawings embroidered onto cloth napkins. happy merry, everyone.

perspective

i was at lunch, bemoaning my various financial problems and other assorted issues. when i came back, i found out that a coworker's daughter committed suicide today. perspective. i got it.

fun.

"man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...some terrible lies"

wish

careful

saturday

i'm tired. and sad. and mad. and irritated. god knows why people like me.

flirt

today, a man who was easily in his eighties blew me a kiss as he left the store. i can't even begin to tell you how cute this was. being popular amongst octogenarians isn't bad.

solitude

it's awfully damned quiet around here.

everlasting arms

"i was made to live without you but i'm never gonna understand, never understand."

sewing

i haven't been sewing as much lately. part of me thinks this is a good thing.

self-conscious

there is nothing like a "photo shoot" to make one (okay, me) feel completely insecure. luckily, she made me so beautiful. thank you, photoshop. you are my hero.

november

and my annual bout with laryngitis/bronchitis has begun. every single november, which is a month that has very little going for it to begin with. did you know more serial killers are born in november than any other month? there's your fun fact of the day, which i would tell you if i had any voice left at all. sigh.

milestone

ONE THOUSAND pageviews? who the hell is reading this crap??

flattered

i posted a link to my favorite heart-breaking, thought-provoking blog today. go read today's post on Momastery, entitled "nets". a sweet friend commented with the following: "this resonates with you because you are always willing to be a net, for anyone. really. i'm not the only one that believes this, so think about that.... the next time you feel skinless." i will carry that beautiful compliment in my heart. it is one of the best things ever said to me. thank you, n, for thinking this of me. I feel loved.

serenity

"Give me coffee to change the things I can, and wine to accept the things I can't."

unappealling

day two of migraine. third grade strings performance is about the last thing i want to spend my evening attending. don't misunderstand; i love watching my babies do this kind of stuff. but let's not kid ourselves. the level of skill and talent at this age is nil. are earplugs bad form?

gratitude

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices." -Elizabeth Gilbert

mumford

listening to music this morning, the line "where you invest your love, you invest your life" is resonating. and making me think.

superfan

lately, my favorite part of sports is where everyone leaves me alone so i can sew or read or sit in the tub drinking wine by myself.

ouch

reminder

lumineers

"Morning Song" The carbonation in my drink The bubbles rise while my heart sinks And all I tend to do is think of you Was it easier to pack your bags And book that flight to Paris as The plane began to move that afternoon When all the trains have pulled away From local stations in decay It's I who waits, it's you who's late again And did you think of me when you made love To him, was it the same as us Or was it different, it must have been And all the pretty dames They'll hug and kiss you all the same And when they go, they're gone They're not running late Oh all, all the pretty dames And the kids that you hold in your arms With promises to protect them from harm But they grow, and they go And you're all alone All the kids, all the kids that you hold And it's a shame that it ends this way With nothing left to say So just sit on your hands, while I walk away It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame When my hands begin to shake When bitterness is all I taste And my car won't stop Cause I cut the brakes I hold on to a hope in my fate Oh oh ah ah hey hey May you return to love one day Well I hope and I pray You get what you gave

strange

So, at work today, a customer that i remember from a few months ago came in. she is visibly pregnant, and she said, "do you remember me?" i said that i did, and she said, "i need to ask you something, and i need you to tell me the truth, and i feel very awkward about it." i told her to ask. she said, "do you live downtown?" i said, "close to downtown." she said, "do you go to (local bar)?" i said, "i've been there a few times." she said, "do you know a man named nolan?" I said, "no." she said "i found out three weeks ago that my husband cheated on me. he said he was drunk and met a woman named bethany with brown hair at (local bar). he said he can't remember anything about her other than that, and i need to know if it was you." i said, "i promise you it wasn't me." she said, "we had a rough time in our marriage a few months ago. we have three kids and i'm expecting our fourth. i cannot believe he did this to me. i am so humiliated, and i walk around every day looking for this woman that i don't even know. and if that's not bad enough, he gave me a std. he gets to walk around like everything's fine and i am in hell." i hugged her and said i was so, so sorry that she had this to deal with. but, universe, i'm puzzled. i did hurt a wife, because i believed her husband when he lied to me. i am so remorseful for my actions. i have made peace with her, to the best of my ability. why this? why am i the accused? what am i supposed to be learning from this?

consolation

i'm out of sorts. i got my hair cut too short. i'm crazy broke right now. nachos, however, make me feel better.

fear

why does your biggest fear sometimes feel so true?

lies

which would be worse?

forty

got my nose pierced. expected mom to have a freak-out, but god bless her, she didn't notice. once one turns forty, one should have some sort of immature commemoration, amirite??

trust

sniff

my baby asked me to spray some of my perfume on her sweater before she went to school. she said, "sometimes i like to smell it when i miss you." my heart can't take the sweetness.

drained

from saturday night through monday morning, i have been awake for, at most, 3-4 hours. i have slept the entire time. i've lost an entire day, and i'm still tired. either i'm getting sick, or i'm depressed and just haven't noticed yet. sigh.

savior

i had a wonderful, smart, caring, hilarious, kind friend visit. that, combined with renewing a relationship, has made me feel downright happy. that's right, i said it, happy. happy makes me nervous. but i'm embracing it this time with hope and a smile.

quick

can somebody check my back for knives?

karma

i try to do the kind thing. i believe that kindness is its own reward; i also believe that once you give away what you want more of, that it will find you. if i feel poor, i give money (even a little) away. if i feel unloved, i tell someone how important they are to me. if i feel hurt, i try to comfort. i also believe that if you lie, constantly, and twist words and morality to suit your own desires, and then lie some more... you're not going to like what comes your way in the end. pretending to be a good person doesn't make you a good person, in case you hadn't figured that out in your years of education and study. it just doesn't.

anyway

I'm trying, with more success some days than others, to see the good. To seek the positive. To notice the goodness and beauty. I think it's important for a lot of reasons. So: I have smart, healthy, funny babies. I have a wonderful friend who will laugh and drink and cry with me when she visits this weekend. I have people I love, that love me back. I have great recipes for both peanut noodles and pineapple fried rice. I have great jewelry and scarves. I can always find something gross on cable to watch. ("Momma, are you watching a murder show again?" "Yes baby. Better go in the other room.") I have a stack of unread books waiting for me. I laugh almost every day, at least once. You know, I'm a lucky girl. I may not have everything I want, but I certainly have everything I need, and that's the best thing to focus on. Love to all of us.

shopping

A brief sample of questions my mother asked while I was helping her purchase a laptop computer: "Do I need to buy a wi-fi?" "Can this thing make phone calls?" "If I use someone else's internet will that mess up their computer?" "I don't understand how this works, do you?" Eventually, I just gave up and told her it was magic.

mess

What I read today, that brought tears to my eyes: "We are all just looking for someone to stand beside us in our mess." That's all. That's all I really want.

please

whole

so

a lot can change in a few days. nothing is secret, at this point, and what has become completely transparent are all the horrible lies he told to, and about, us to each other. and in the end she and i have spoken, and apologized, and clarified, and essentially - he's fucked. and he earned it. and i feel lighter.... embarrassed, and stupid, and ashamed... but also lighter. i hope she has all the strength and love and support she needs. i will help her if i can. i guess we're supposed to learn something, but my take-away at this point is that he's the most deceptive manipulator i've ever met. facing tomorrow with kindness and hope - b.

sept 7

dear you: good luck with that. shitty people do shitty things.

if a tree falls in an empty forest...

if one is in a "relationship" wherein, due to situational circumstance, it is only known to the two involved parties, does said relationship actually exist? being a ghost is weighing on me.

tired

I am tired of everything being a disaster. I am tired of feeling at loose ends. I am tired of the way things are. The first thing, and only thing, I can change is myself. I'm working on it.

and then there's this

I don't care what kind of a crappy mood I'm in, this always, always makes me laugh. Happy September, y'all.

august 28

my birthday. no acknowledgment from any 'romantic' partner. gorgeous roses sent from platonic male friend of 20+ years, and might i mention he is currently in iraq. this is causing serious reflection. but... thank you. i love them. and i love you for being the most funny, smart, loyal, decent person i know.

ouch

my baby had her first migraine today. of all the things i could have genetically given her, this was one trait i'd hoped not to pass on. :(

Trying!!

You should, too.

Mercy

So far this summer, I've had a burst eardrum, the kids have had head lice, I had an emergency appendectomy and hospitalization, and I'm turning 40. I'm afraid locusts and plagues are next. It's a good thing I have a sense of humor, Universe, otherwise I might have quit by now.

Day Four

First week, fourth day of school. The little one is home for the second consecutive day with a 102 fever, and a doctor's appointment this morning. I went home sick from work yesterday and was so nauseous I could barely move. If this week is indicative of the upcoming school year, it's going to be a long one.

and lately, other people say it better than I can...

the sads

Calming Manatee

I think "Calming Manatee" is my new favorite website. It makes me feel better. Don't judge me.

Life

“Life will break you. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ― Louise Erdrich

Dear you:

Dear you: I know you think that I'm heartless. And conniving. And devoid of remorse. None of these are true. I am flawed, yes. But if you think that I'm not sorry for the hurt I've caused, you are sorely mistaken. If you think that I planned this course for myself... again, wrong. We are all people. We are all doing the best we can. I am trying, really hard, to love you, because that is the next right thing to do. I forgive you for the awful things you've said about me. If you knew the truth, you'd say even more. I understand how you feel... trust me, I do. I've been in your place. I know your pain. And I never wanted to cause that. I understand why you hate me. But I am trying to give you the grace you deserve. We are the same. We are part of one another. I accept this, and I love you as best I can. With hope, B.

Year

It's been a year. A long, stressful, anxious year. And I still don't know what to do. Isn't time supposed to work these things out?

So. There's That.

Calvin

Discouraged

It's tough, for me, to not feel like a complete failure on the day of what would have been a significant anniversary. That voice that says I'm terrible at relationships feels more right today than normal.

smile

An older woman, who is a complete stranger, came up to me out of nowhere today and touched my arm. She said, "you are so pretty." I've been smiling the rest of the day. Sometimes, a kind word with no agenda behind it is the most precious gift a person can give.

Joy

The babies' dad has them at the beach this week. The sheer joy in this picture makes me feel as though all is going to be okay. love to all of you. we could all use some, I think.

Kindness

I had my post-op today. I'm healing, but due to blood loss/anemia, I won't be back to 'normal', meaning regular energy level, for another 3-4 weeks. My lovely, wonderful friend J scooped up my girls to spend the night with her family and said she'd see me after dinner tomorrow. The girls were thrilled and I am grateful. Kindness, and love, and friends. That's how I get through.

Perfection

Mr. Rogers was the best person who ever lived.

Number Four all the way

Days

There are days. Days wherein I had to call 911 at 2 a.m. to have the police check on my upstairs neighbor, because her screaming and him throwing her around woke me up, and I want to ensure that he's not beating her to death. Days in which the girls, my sweet, kind, smart girls, whine and cry and argue so much that I have to revoke a plan to see a movie later in the afternoon AND text Santa regarding bad behavior. Days that are humid and sweaty and ill tempered. Days that you know that someone is doing something that you'd prefer they weren't. Days that you miss something you were REALLY looking forward to because your appendix tried to grenade its way out of your body. Days that nothing seems right and everything seems wrong and you can't picture ever being happy again. I don't like those days. I don't like today.

Today

Today was so hard. "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Apology Accepted

I needed this apology. And am grateful for the amazing people I *do* have.

The Fourth

So, it's a good thing I didn't have huge plans for the Fourth of July weekend. Because I spent the whole damn thing in the hospital. I hate being in the hospital. I hate IVs. I hate that even though the nurses had access to an active IV line, they still stuck my other arm to draw blood nightly at 2 a.m. I hate looking like a heroin addict, but one that is really, really bad at sticking oneself. My advice to you, if you want to have a fun weekend, is to avoid the following actions. 1. Do not get appendicitis. 2. Do not have your appendix rupture prior to surgery. 3. Basically just 1 and 2. I'm home. I'm uncomfortable. I can't wear my belly ring anymore because that's one of the incision sites. But hey, I didn't die from sepsis, so let's bright-side this. Hope y'all's was better than mine. Fireworks all around.

Heroism

Discussing ice cream in the car, the eight year old said, "Well, if it meant saving the world I suppose I'd eat rainbow sherbet." Guess you guys didn't know I was raising a hero.

Misdirected

Today, I worked. And I work in a customer service job. And a man came in with his wife, and he was, ummmmm, disappointed that I didn't have a particular item that he wanted. He felt it was appropriate to yell at and berate me to the point that I went to the bathroom and cried. Because I like my job slightly more than I like being homeless, I did not say anything in response to this man. But I think there is enough anger and hostility in the world without burdening strangers, who have zero responsibility for any of one's problems, with one's anger. It's wrong and it's unkind and it's a real day-ruiner. So. today wasn't so great. Some of them are going to be like that. But please don't yell at the help.

I'm back.

Annnd I'm pretty sure you missed me. Anyway. I got chastised today for having a skip race through Wal-Mart aisles with M2. We were having fun, and my mom had issues with us being a spectacle. This, after having three strangers smile and say, "it looks like you're having fun." I would rather my girls remember skipping through Wal-Mart when they think of their childhood, rather than the million times I say "why do you not have your shoes on?" And that's parenting, to me.