unsettled

feeling overwhelmingly anxious for no real reason. my brain hates me.

want

not want. need this.

sacred scared

this is from my favorite blog - momastery. individuals were asked about their deepest fear - the thing we hide because we think that if others knew about it, they wouldn't love us anymore. this wasn't written by me. but. this is so true of me that to read it makes my throat close up and tears to prick my eyes. this is my sacred scared. "I want to be enough. Wow. Just tapping out those five little words makes my throat ache and my eyes burn with tears. I want to be enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Sexy enough. Good enough. Tough enough. Clever enough. Worthy enough. It is this deep ­seated desire to know that I’m enough which drives virtually all of my destructive behavior. When I was young, the need to be enough moved me to starve myself, drug myself, give myself away too freely. But even still, even today – grown and married and mothering ­I obsess over food and facial hair and these teeny tiny boobs, and I wonder if my husband really loves me, or if he every really has. Could I ever be enough for him? Could I ever be enough for anyone? I am convinced the answer is no, but I work pretty hard at pretending otherwise. “I’m confident, you guys! I’m cute! I am hilarious!” I shout, as I tap dance on the world’s stage, ”Look at me! Look how I twirl! Look how I make jokes! Look how thin I am! Do you see it? Do you see me?!” It’s funny, isn’t it? The proverbial “God shaped hole” in my heart is also shaped just like a little girl who’s trying too hard. With her loose pigtails and dirty fingernails, and big eyes watching, waiting, longing for someone to say, “You, baby girl, you are enough.” But for all my silly trying, do you know what I hear most often from the folks I’m putting on this stupid show for? “Oh, Jamie,” they laugh, unknowing, “you are just too much.” - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/#sthash.3ezcxQsc.dpuf

yay

stop

too. much. thinking.

stab

crud

rotten days at work. kid with a stomach bug. day spent holding hair back and wiping cold washcloths. now i'm either succumbing to hypochondria or getting it myself. so far, february, i'm not impressed.

snow

i'm going to start thinking about which kid i like best, in the event that this winter storm forces us into cannibalism.

stupid

kid

first grader hugged me this morning and said, "i like having you for my momma." and my heart melted.

fashonista

yesterday my pants were too tight and i wiped all the makeup off my right eye because i had something in it. i guess what i'm saying is, i'm available to offer style tips to anyone interested in being super hot.

jumper

everyone's got to face down the demons maybe today you could put the past away i wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in and if you do not want to see me again i would understand, i would understand

freedom

uninvited guests continue to invade my dream time. perhaps accepting my own terrible-ness will help.

great big world

football

although this game sucked, a friend's status made me laugh: "the rugby team from Alive had a better flight home than the Broncos will." heh.

tense

because there's nothing more fascinating than other people's dreams.... i dreamed that i was stopped in my car at a train crossing. a car went around me and i saw the train hit it, and it was a horrific accident, with parts and car seats and stuff flying everywhere. people were running towards the accident to help, but i was too scared to move, and i couldn't get my phone to connect to 911. after i woke up, i spent the day tense. this is probably indicative of my profound self-doubt and latent insanity. either that, or my brain is just an asshole.