morning

oh, it's time to go? great. let me just lose my shoe, my folder, and also, I might have to pee. And maybe cry. -my kids.

essence

Kayla captured the essence of my soul with this one....

news

obvs

conversation with 9 yo: talking about the nile river. "do you know what that is?" "yes, the big river in egypt." "how do you know that?" "scooby doo, duh. the one with mummies."

optimism

in memoriam

baby

welcome, alonzo. i needed you and i didn't know it.

parenting

goals

c'mon

So. In the last 2 weeks: my 9 year old started her period. my cat died. i had staph in my finger which still isn't resolved. i had to be tooth fairy 3 times. and i bounced a check. i officially say "mercy".

kid

M2: what are you laughing at? me: it wouldn't make sense to you. M2: Everything makes sense to me. *whispers*.. everything.

trees

update

ansley is in jacksonville, florida, getting proton radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks, in addition to her chemotherapy. i don't understand a lot of it, but they have to radiate the area in which the tumor grew, even though it is currently shrinking. it was wrapped around her eustachian tube, so there's a 50% chance she'll lose hearing, and a slimmer chance that she'll lose sight (due to tumor location) as a result of the radiation. bless her sweet little heart.

virgo

overheard

children, discussing minecraft. M2 - "your houses are always cooler than mine. it really bothers me that yours are cooler." for whatever reason i find this statement of fact amusing.

powerful

just.... wow.

crafty

so this is how i spent my sunday afternoon....

warsan shire

fathers

momma

a text from my friend, during a particularly bad thunderstorm and power outage: 'so your sweet family is here, dinner and a movie. the power went out because of the storms we're having. m1 says to me, i'm glad we're here but i would be more comforted if my mom was here because she makes everything ok. and she would make this fun, she makes everything fun, so we danced in the dark to make it more fun like you would have. god i love these girls, b, and they love you so. you're doing a fucking amazing job momma.' and this made me cry.

listen

lonely

"I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don't know why, some people fille the gaps and others emphasize my lonliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who simply allow me to live with my idea of them. -Anais Nin

truthiness

fangirl

holy shit you guys i got to meet one of my heroes. glennon doyle melton, who is an amazing blogger and author and who hits me right in the feels constantly. also i made her one of my cassette tape wallets. because i'm a child.

honestly

when i was young, and thought about being 40... this isn't what i thought it would look like.

a

keep praying and sending strength, friends. she needs it.

dan

damn

why

why does everything just have to be so hard all the time?

text

possibly my favorite text of all time, between my friends and i. J1, on a third grade field trip: "oh my god this is so fucking horrible, i'm about to drink purell." J2: "do it. i drank scope for a buzz once. i'm not proud but i did it."

xoxo

update

ansley has a virus and needed blood today. I just.. worry.

ansley

ansley has a fever, and after three rounds of chemo, is already losing her hair. she's been moved back into isolation because her white blood cell count has dropped dramatically; as a result, her immune system is seriously compromised. keep thinking good thoughts, friends, and pray if that's how you do.

c

a friend texted, regarding her son: "c doesn't want carrots in his lunch anymore because they look like penises and taste like shampoo." i cannot stop laughing about this.

gift

i love my new shirt dad. go cards!

fight

update

ansley has stage 3 rhabdomyosarcoma and started chemo yesterday. the tumor is eroding the bone at the base of her skull, and impacting her sinuses and palate. radiation should start next week. she won't be able to come home; she'll be hospitalized for the next (almost) year. please continue to think strong thoughts... she's going to have to fight hard.

cruel

train

raw

night

we almost lost ansley last night. her little tee-tiny body is working hard. keep fighting the good fight, little one. we love you so big.

update

ansley has been diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma... they are unable to remove the tumor because of its size and location, and this sweet kindergartener will start 42 weeks of chemo and radiation on monday. only three hundred fifty kids a year get this diagnosis... that's one shitty lottery to hit. send love and good thoughts please. and money, if you can. st. jude's is worth it.

ansley

my friend's daughter, who just turned 6 this month, received a cancer diagnosis today. she. is. six. life isn't fair and my heart hurts. they are off to st. jude's in memphis for at least two weeks. if you pray, such a thing is appreciated. if you believe the universe provides, please think good, brave thoughts. no momma should lose her baby. love to the smith's. let's all send a little love.

weekend

opinion

if everyone that you know loves you, and that has your best interests at heart, is against something... maybe everyone has a point.

wrong

fresh

feels

you don't get to tell me how i feel.

still

ouch

unsettled

feeling overwhelmingly anxious for no real reason. my brain hates me.

want

not want. need this.

sacred scared

this is from my favorite blog - momastery. individuals were asked about their deepest fear - the thing we hide because we think that if others knew about it, they wouldn't love us anymore. this wasn't written by me. but. this is so true of me that to read it makes my throat close up and tears to prick my eyes. this is my sacred scared. "I want to be enough. Wow. Just tapping out those five little words makes my throat ache and my eyes burn with tears. I want to be enough. Thin enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Funny enough. Sexy enough. Good enough. Tough enough. Clever enough. Worthy enough. It is this deep ­seated desire to know that I’m enough which drives virtually all of my destructive behavior. When I was young, the need to be enough moved me to starve myself, drug myself, give myself away too freely. But even still, even today – grown and married and mothering ­I obsess over food and facial hair and these teeny tiny boobs, and I wonder if my husband really loves me, or if he every really has. Could I ever be enough for him? Could I ever be enough for anyone? I am convinced the answer is no, but I work pretty hard at pretending otherwise. “I’m confident, you guys! I’m cute! I am hilarious!” I shout, as I tap dance on the world’s stage, ”Look at me! Look how I twirl! Look how I make jokes! Look how thin I am! Do you see it? Do you see me?!” It’s funny, isn’t it? The proverbial “God shaped hole” in my heart is also shaped just like a little girl who’s trying too hard. With her loose pigtails and dirty fingernails, and big eyes watching, waiting, longing for someone to say, “You, baby girl, you are enough.” But for all my silly trying, do you know what I hear most often from the folks I’m putting on this stupid show for? “Oh, Jamie,” they laugh, unknowing, “you are just too much.” - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/#sthash.3ezcxQsc.dpuf

yay

stop

too. much. thinking.

stab

crud

rotten days at work. kid with a stomach bug. day spent holding hair back and wiping cold washcloths. now i'm either succumbing to hypochondria or getting it myself. so far, february, i'm not impressed.

snow

i'm going to start thinking about which kid i like best, in the event that this winter storm forces us into cannibalism.

stupid

kid

first grader hugged me this morning and said, "i like having you for my momma." and my heart melted.

fashonista

yesterday my pants were too tight and i wiped all the makeup off my right eye because i had something in it. i guess what i'm saying is, i'm available to offer style tips to anyone interested in being super hot.

jumper

everyone's got to face down the demons maybe today you could put the past away i wish you would step back from that ledge my friend you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in and if you do not want to see me again i would understand, i would understand

freedom

uninvited guests continue to invade my dream time. perhaps accepting my own terrible-ness will help.

great big world

football

although this game sucked, a friend's status made me laugh: "the rugby team from Alive had a better flight home than the Broncos will." heh.

tense

because there's nothing more fascinating than other people's dreams.... i dreamed that i was stopped in my car at a train crossing. a car went around me and i saw the train hit it, and it was a horrific accident, with parts and car seats and stuff flying everywhere. people were running towards the accident to help, but i was too scared to move, and i couldn't get my phone to connect to 911. after i woke up, i spent the day tense. this is probably indicative of my profound self-doubt and latent insanity. either that, or my brain is just an asshole.

lana

disorder

something as simple as eating is really, really hard.

shakespeare

survivor

parenting

isn't a mother supposed to like her child? instead of going out of her way to make said child feel guilty and worthless? i swear to everything holy, i will do better by my children than is done to me. i swear it.

nine

i am having a difficult time grasping the fact that my firstborn, so sweet she makes my heart ache, so kind and so loving that i want to protect her from the hurts of the world, is nine today. she is joy and sunshine and everything beautiful in the world, and i am so lucky to be her momma.

prayer

help me to be brave and to be kind. and if i can't be brave, i just need to be kind. we belong to each other. help me remember that.

rip van winkle

i have slept 27 of the past 30 hours. i'm no doctor but i'm not sure that's normal.

avett

"there's no fortune at the end of the road that has no end. there's no returning to the spoils once you've spoiled he thought of them. there's no falling back to sleep once you've waken from the dream. now i'm rested and i'm ready ... to begin."

so don't

forty

i don't feel so bad about being forty now that i've seen the pictures that were taken. rawr, cougar.