Sunday, December 29, 2013
irritable
facebook is annoying me. how many shit-sucking times do i have to see links to "12 ways to tie a scarf"? when did everyone i know become horrible?
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
procrastination
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
perspective
i was at lunch, bemoaning my various financial problems and other assorted issues. when i came back, i found out that a coworker's daughter committed suicide today. perspective. i got it.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
flirt
today, a man who was easily in his eighties blew me a kiss as he left the store. i can't even begin to tell you how cute this was. being popular amongst octogenarians isn't bad.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
self-conscious
there is nothing like a "photo shoot" to make one (okay, me) feel completely insecure. luckily, she made me so beautiful. thank you, photoshop. you are my hero.
Monday, November 11, 2013
november
and my annual bout with laryngitis/bronchitis has begun. every single november, which is a month that has very little going for it to begin with. did you know more serial killers are born in november than any other month? there's your fun fact of the day, which i would tell you if i had any voice left at all. sigh.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
flattered
i posted a link to my favorite heart-breaking, thought-provoking blog today. go read today's post on Momastery, entitled "nets". a sweet friend commented with the following: "this resonates with you because you are always willing to be a net, for anyone. really. i'm not the only one that believes this, so think about that.... the next time you feel skinless." i will carry that beautiful compliment in my heart. it is one of the best things ever said to me. thank you, n, for thinking this of me. I feel loved.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
unappealling
day two of migraine. third grade strings performance is about the last thing i want to spend my evening attending. don't misunderstand; i love watching my babies do this kind of stuff. but let's not kid ourselves. the level of skill and talent at this age is nil. are earplugs bad form?
Friday, November 1, 2013
gratitude
"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices." -Elizabeth Gilbert
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
mumford
listening to music this morning, the line "where you invest your love, you invest your life" is resonating. and making me think.
Monday, October 28, 2013
superfan
lately, my favorite part of sports is where everyone leaves me alone so i can sew or read or sit in the tub drinking wine by myself.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
lumineers
"Morning Song"
The carbonation in my drink
The bubbles rise while my heart sinks
And all I tend to do is think of you
Was it easier to pack your bags
And book that flight to Paris as
The plane began to move that afternoon
When all the trains have pulled away
From local stations in decay
It's I who waits, it's you who's late again
And did you think of me when you made love
To him, was it the same as us
Or was it different, it must have been
And all the pretty dames
They'll hug and kiss you all the same
And when they go, they're gone
They're not running late
Oh all, all the pretty dames
And the kids that you hold in your arms
With promises to protect them from harm
But they grow, and they go
And you're all alone
All the kids, all the kids that you hold
And it's a shame that it ends this way
With nothing left to say
So just sit on your hands, while I walk away
It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame
When my hands begin to shake
When bitterness is all I taste
And my car won't stop
Cause I cut the brakes
I hold on to a hope in my fate
Oh oh ah ah hey hey
May you return to love one day
Well I hope and I pray
You get what you gave
Monday, October 21, 2013
strange
So, at work today, a customer that i remember from a few months ago came in. she is visibly pregnant, and she said, "do you remember me?" i said that i did, and she said, "i need to ask you something, and i need you to tell me the truth, and i feel very awkward about it." i told her to ask. she said, "do you live downtown?" i said, "close to downtown." she said, "do you go to (local bar)?" i said, "i've been there a few times." she said, "do you know a man named nolan?" I said, "no." she said "i found out three weeks ago that my husband cheated on me. he said he was drunk and met a woman named bethany with brown hair at (local bar). he said he can't remember anything about her other than that, and i need to know if it was you." i said, "i promise you it wasn't me." she said, "we had a rough time in our marriage a few months ago. we have three kids and i'm expecting our fourth. i cannot believe he did this to me. i am so humiliated, and i walk around every day looking for this woman that i don't even know. and if that's not bad enough, he gave me a std. he gets to walk around like everything's fine and i am in hell." i hugged her and said i was so, so sorry that she had this to deal with. but, universe, i'm puzzled. i did hurt a wife, because i believed her husband when he lied to me. i am so remorseful for my actions. i have made peace with her, to the best of my ability. why this? why am i the accused? what am i supposed to be learning from this?
Saturday, October 19, 2013
consolation
i'm out of sorts. i got my hair cut too short. i'm crazy broke right now. nachos, however, make me feel better.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
forty
got my nose pierced. expected mom to have a freak-out, but god bless her, she didn't notice. once one turns forty, one should have some sort of immature commemoration, amirite??
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
sniff
my baby asked me to spray some of my perfume on her sweater before she went to school. she said, "sometimes i like to smell it when i miss you." my heart can't take the sweetness.
Monday, October 7, 2013
drained
from saturday night through monday morning, i have been awake for, at most, 3-4 hours. i have slept the entire time. i've lost an entire day, and i'm still tired. either i'm getting sick, or i'm depressed and just haven't noticed yet. sigh.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
savior
i had a wonderful, smart, caring, hilarious, kind friend visit. that, combined with renewing a relationship, has made me feel downright happy. that's right, i said it, happy. happy makes me nervous. but i'm embracing it this time with hope and a smile.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
karma
i try to do the kind thing. i believe that kindness is its own reward; i also believe that once you give away what you want more of, that it will find you. if i feel poor, i give money (even a little) away. if i feel unloved, i tell someone how important they are to me. if i feel hurt, i try to comfort. i also believe that if you lie, constantly, and twist words and morality to suit your own desires, and then lie some more... you're not going to like what comes your way in the end. pretending to be a good person doesn't make you a good person, in case you hadn't figured that out in your years of education and study. it just doesn't.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
anyway
I'm trying, with more success some days than others, to see the good. To seek the positive. To notice the goodness and beauty. I think it's important for a lot of reasons. So: I have smart, healthy, funny babies. I have a wonderful friend who will laugh and drink and cry with me when she visits this weekend. I have people I love, that love me back. I have great recipes for both peanut noodles and pineapple fried rice. I have great jewelry and scarves. I can always find something gross on cable to watch. ("Momma, are you watching a murder show again?" "Yes baby. Better go in the other room.") I have a stack of unread books waiting for me. I laugh almost every day, at least once. You know, I'm a lucky girl. I may not have everything I want, but I certainly have everything I need, and that's the best thing to focus on. Love to all of us.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
shopping
A brief sample of questions my mother asked while I was helping her purchase a laptop computer: "Do I need to buy a wi-fi?" "Can this thing make phone calls?" "If I use someone else's internet will that mess up their computer?" "I don't understand how this works, do you?" Eventually, I just gave up and told her it was magic.
mess
What I read today, that brought tears to my eyes: "We are all just looking for someone to stand beside us in our mess." That's all. That's all I really want.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
so
a lot can change in a few days. nothing is secret, at this point, and what has become completely transparent are all the horrible lies he told to, and about, us to each other. and in the end she and i have spoken, and apologized, and clarified, and essentially - he's fucked. and he earned it. and i feel lighter.... embarrassed, and stupid, and ashamed... but also lighter. i hope she has all the strength and love and support she needs. i will help her if i can. i guess we're supposed to learn something, but my take-away at this point is that he's the most deceptive manipulator i've ever met. facing tomorrow with kindness and hope - b.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
if a tree falls in an empty forest...
if one is in a "relationship" wherein, due to situational circumstance, it is only known to the two involved parties, does said relationship actually exist? being a ghost is weighing on me.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
tired
I am tired of everything being a disaster. I am tired of feeling at loose ends. I am tired of the way things are. The first thing, and only thing, I can change is myself. I'm working on it.
Monday, September 2, 2013
and then there's this
Thursday, August 29, 2013
august 28
my birthday. no acknowledgment from any 'romantic' partner. gorgeous roses sent from platonic male friend of 20+ years, and might i mention he is currently in iraq. this is causing serious reflection. but... thank you. i love them. and i love you for being the most funny, smart, loyal, decent person i know.
Monday, August 26, 2013
ouch
my baby had her first migraine today. of all the things i could have genetically given her, this was one trait i'd hoped not to pass on. :(
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
Mercy
So far this summer, I've had a burst eardrum, the kids have had head lice, I had an emergency appendectomy and hospitalization, and I'm turning 40. I'm afraid locusts and plagues are next. It's a good thing I have a sense of humor, Universe, otherwise I might have quit by now.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Day Four
First week, fourth day of school. The little one is home for the second consecutive day with a 102 fever, and a doctor's appointment this morning. I went home sick from work yesterday and was so nauseous I could barely move.
If this week is indicative of the upcoming school year, it's going to be a long one.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Life
“Life will break you. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ― Louise Erdrich
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Dear you:
Dear you: I know you think that I'm heartless. And conniving. And devoid of remorse. None of these are true. I am flawed, yes. But if you think that I'm not sorry for the hurt I've caused, you are sorely mistaken. If you think that I planned this course for myself... again, wrong. We are all people. We are all doing the best we can. I am trying, really hard, to love you, because that is the next right thing to do. I forgive you for the awful things you've said about me. If you knew the truth, you'd say even more. I understand how you feel... trust me, I do. I've been in your place. I know your pain. And I never wanted to cause that. I understand why you hate me. But I am trying to give you the grace you deserve. We are the same. We are part of one another. I accept this, and I love you as best I can. With hope, B.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Year
It's been a year. A long, stressful, anxious year. And I still don't know what to do. Isn't time supposed to work these things out?
Monday, August 12, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Discouraged
It's tough, for me, to not feel like a complete failure on the day of what would have been a significant anniversary. That voice that says I'm terrible at relationships feels more right today than normal.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
smile
An older woman, who is a complete stranger, came up to me out of nowhere today and touched my arm. She said, "you are so pretty."
I've been smiling the rest of the day.
Sometimes, a kind word with no agenda behind it is the most precious gift a person can give.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Joy
The babies' dad has them at the beach this week. The sheer joy in this picture makes me feel as though all is going to be okay. love to all of you. we could all use some, I think.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Kindness
I had my post-op today. I'm healing, but due to blood loss/anemia, I won't be back to 'normal', meaning regular energy level, for another 3-4 weeks.
My lovely, wonderful friend J scooped up my girls to spend the night with her family and said she'd see me after dinner tomorrow. The girls were thrilled and I am grateful.
Kindness, and love, and friends. That's how I get through.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Days
There are days. Days wherein I had to call 911 at 2 a.m. to have the police check on my upstairs neighbor, because her screaming and him throwing her around woke me up, and I want to ensure that he's not beating her to death. Days in which the girls, my sweet, kind, smart girls, whine and cry and argue so much that I have to revoke a plan to see a movie later in the afternoon AND text Santa regarding bad behavior. Days that are humid and sweaty and ill tempered. Days that you know that someone is doing something that you'd prefer they weren't. Days that you miss something you were REALLY looking forward to because your appendix tried to grenade its way out of your body. Days that nothing seems right and everything seems wrong and you can't picture ever being happy again.
I don't like those days. I don't like today.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Today
Today was so hard.
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
The Fourth
So, it's a good thing I didn't have huge plans for the Fourth of July weekend. Because I spent the whole damn thing in the hospital.
I hate being in the hospital. I hate IVs. I hate that even though the nurses had access to an active IV line, they still stuck my other arm to draw blood nightly at 2 a.m. I hate looking like a heroin addict, but one that is really, really bad at sticking oneself.
My advice to you, if you want to have a fun weekend, is to avoid the following actions.
1. Do not get appendicitis.
2. Do not have your appendix rupture prior to surgery.
3. Basically just 1 and 2.
I'm home. I'm uncomfortable. I can't wear my belly ring anymore because that's one of the incision sites. But hey, I didn't die from sepsis, so let's bright-side this.
Hope y'all's was better than mine. Fireworks all around.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Heroism
Discussing ice cream in the car, the eight year old said, "Well, if it meant saving the world I suppose I'd eat rainbow sherbet." Guess you guys didn't know I was raising a hero.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Misdirected
Today, I worked. And I work in a customer service job. And a man came in with his wife, and he was, ummmmm, disappointed that I didn't have a particular item that he wanted. He felt it was appropriate to yell at and berate me to the point that I went to the bathroom and cried.
Because I like my job slightly more than I like being homeless, I did not say anything in response to this man.
But I think there is enough anger and hostility in the world without burdening strangers, who have zero responsibility for any of one's problems, with one's anger. It's wrong and it's unkind and it's a real day-ruiner.
So. today wasn't so great. Some of them are going to be like that.
But please don't yell at the help.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
I'm back.
Annnd I'm pretty sure you missed me.
Anyway. I got chastised today for having a skip race through Wal-Mart aisles with M2. We were having fun, and my mom had issues with us being a spectacle. This, after having three strangers smile and say, "it looks like you're having fun."
I would rather my girls remember skipping through Wal-Mart when they think of their childhood, rather than the million times I say "why do you not have your shoes on?"
And that's parenting, to me.
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